Monochrome Mating
by tao-fetish
Summary: He had to convince himself that no human could possibly be entirely emotionless and Near was no exception—he just expressed himself differently.


**Warnings:** Pseudo-sexual content, possible OOC though I tried to keep it at a bare minimum.  
**Pairing(s):** MatsudaxNear

**Author's notes:** This story has been sitting in my deviantART account for a while, but I've finally decided to bring it over here too, for whoever can stand to try a rather unusual coupling. This story gave me the opportunity to answer a very interesting proverbial: how do you put Near together with a sex scene believably? This is not the easiest marriage since the average sex scene involves passion, something which Near lacks. But the contemplation of this hypothetical inevitably led to the mental image of Near performing a seduction with cold application rather than sweet nothings and Marvin Gaye like everybody else. Once I came up with that idea, the rest of the story filled out to give a humorous edge to all those plots floating around out there that make sex the emphasis of the relationship, where two characters jump each other before they've even had dinner. I love PWP's as much as the next girl, but from real life I know how easy and impersonal sex can be. It's a committed relationship that's the bitch. I couldn't help but play around with these concepts, also gender stereotypes. And to answer Matsuda's question, there really are biological facts that support gender stereotypes and what makes us different beyond the obvious reproductive organs. I could go more into it but this summary is already becoming too long.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

* * *

There was a fortune to be made exploiting the common belief that there is, in fact, a barrier of understanding between the two sexes. It transcended body parts and rocketed straight into outer space: men were from Mars and women were from Venus. Therefore hopes for equal communication plummeted into the light years between the two planets. There were so many books, daytime talk shows, and magazine articles devoted to studying the opposite sex like a science project, and Matsuda had to wonder: were men and women really different species of aliens lost in translation? Or was there really any difference predetermined by gender in the first place?

Of course Matsuda was gay and did not have to worry about making any interplanetary leap to the world of women. And according to pop culture (if it was even true), he was dating the emotionally simplistic side of the field: the Martians. And all of his past boyfriends had been easy enough to deal with. No intense conversations about feelings, no hysteric arguments. Besides stale chemistry and very long sexual dry spells, Matsuda had no problems in love before.

And then he met Near. They needed a new book to work somebody through dating Near. They needed a whole new planet. Men were from Mars, women were from Venus, and Near was from another galaxy, far more advanced than anything from the solar system or anything Matsuda could understand.

Not that Near would ever explain it to him or talk about where he was from. Matsuda remembered vaguely from the Kira case hearing something about a factory overseas where they manufactured super geniuses with codenames and socially unacceptable quirks. They had all thought the original L was weird, but Near made L look like prom queen, with a rigid rationality that Matsuda was forced to swallow like a jagged pill throughout the case that he was shanghaied into helping him on.

And why was he picked? Was it for his competence or his dazzling skills as a detective? Oh no. "I need an infantile mind on the case," were Near's exact words, uttered while placing the very last card on its perch to complete the complex fortress he had built around himself. Matsuda wanted to smack him. And then break one of his toys in front of him, if only to see him react.

If Near could show just one emotion, even the briefest flicker of one, then Matsuda wouldn't feel so conflicted about being attracted to him. After all, what could possibly be so appealing about somebody with the personality of blank printer paper?

It was more complicated than that though, or even the "opposites attracting" theory that Matsuda thought about and then dismissed. He was drawn in by Near's gravity, dancing the line of an orbit he never imagined himself following. He had to convince himself that no human could be one hundred percent emotionless and Near was no exception--he just expressed himself a little differently. Matsuda hoped that one day Near would open up in a way that both of them could understand.

And then when he got his wish, he regretted the entire thing.

Matsuda blinked his eyes twice, clearing his vision when his hearing was what deceived him; finally he recovered enough to say, "I'm sorry. What?"

"I said I wanted to have sex with you," Near repeated in the same deadpan, and if it was possible, Matsuda was even more dumbstruck the second time he heard it. "Sex" just wasn't a word to be pronounced in a monotone; it was as if Near was describing the weather outside, or what the square route of ten was.

"...Why?" Matsuda asked desperately. It seemed like the only logical thing to echo back into the situation, which felt like more and more a trip off the edge of reality into a bad dream. Near was kneeling on the bed, his oversized cotton shirt unbuttoned and his eyes half-lidded in what must have been his genius interpretation of sexy. He looked like he was drunk.

"We've been together for a month and two weeks. I think now is the proper time."

"That makes sense." And it did. It made perfect sense in a normal world, in a normal relationship. But Matsuda wanted to dismiss logic in exchange for how _wrong_ all of this felt. He insisted on keeping his eyes above his neck, but every once in a while they bounced down Near's abdomen and realized this was the most naked skin he had ever seen from the twenty-two year old prodigy. And while nothing more scandalous than his bellybutton was exposed, Matsuda still felt the back of his neck heat up against his collar.

"Near, did you ever...have you ever been with somebody before?"

"No. But I've done research."

Matsuda's eyebrows shot up again. "What does that mean?"

"It means what it sounds like it means, Matsuda," he answered infuriatingly. "I had an interest and I explored the subject further." Near then dismounted the mattress and got down on the floor, reaching underneath the bed and dragged out a heavy cardboard box that should've been shoved in the far back of a very confused adolescent's closet, or every confused adolescent in the city.

Matsuda didn't even want to know how Near got his hands on so much porn. He didn't want to imagine Near in the backroom of some video store behind a bead curtain, holding a robot action figure in one hand and running his fingers over such titles as Jox and Cocks 7 and Danny Doubleteam.

He separated a DVD from the pile, clutching it between two fingers as he scanned the plot synopsis on the back, until his eyes caught movement outside his point of vision and glanced up as Near rooted through the movies and pulled out a manila folder, the type of object that belonged in an office building and was a presence as unwelcome amongst the smut as, well, Near in an adult film store.

"In here you will find my notes on the films, analysis of sexual locations and various positions used," Near said as he handed the folder to Matsuda. "Rated from lowest to most effective based on the actors' responses."

He gave Matsuda a sharp look, indicating without words that he wanted him to open the folder, which Matsuda did without looking at the contents, his gaze following Near back onto the mattress.

"Please refer to page three of the pamphlet," Near continued. "As I place my body at a thirty-five degree angle, you--"

"Stop! Just hold on a second!" Matsuda threw the folder onto the floor and glared at him. "Sex isn't about angles! This is _love_ we're talking about, not a damn math quiz!"

The silence ringing after his outburst was deafening. Unlike the normal intermission between sentences, it twisted Matsuda's stomach into a boy scout's knot, and he wished he could say he was looking into Near's eyes, but he felt like he was facing two black holes sucking up all his words into their cold darkness, never to be seen again. Matsuda tried to glare into them as long as he could, but finally broke their gaze and retreated his interest to the floor.

"What I mean is...well..."

He sat down on the bed next to Near, tugging at his already loosened tie before giving up and letting it hang flaccidly around his neck. It was one thing to tease Ide about the workings of romance, but it was something else to translate love to somebody who spoke a language devoid of emotion. He grimaced.

"Near, when two people are in a relationship together, they often feel--"

"I've had this talk before," Near interrupted, pulling himself upright and twirling a lock of hair around his pointer finger. "I know how people have sex."

"Obviously," Matsuda agreed grimly. "But that's not what I was about to say. When two people are in a relationship, it's because they felt a spark of attraction for one another, and over time that spark develops into a deep spiritual connection, which can be expressed physically by having sex. And when it does it's a very beautiful thing. But you can't have one without the other."

"Yes you can."

"But you're not _supposed to_. Not in a real relationship where two people respect and care for each other. And I want to get to know you, Near. Not your secret identity, not as L, _you_ as a real person, before we--yeah." For the life of him he couldn't fill in the blank. This entire conversation turned 'sex' into a word Matsuda could no longer flip on his tongue, as if he were a preteen again and was too mortified to say it. It simply was not in his vocabulary. And once he realized how stupid 'yeah' sounded, and was crafting a substitute, Near slid off the edge of the bed, buttoning his shirt back up as he strolled across the floor in his socks.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to go take a shower and get some work done," Near replied.

"You changed your mind then?" Matsuda said to make sure. Near turned around in the doorway, meeting him with a blank expression.

"I suppose you could say that. Another would be that you deflated the moment with your sentimental lecture." His eyes flitted to the ceiling, tugging one of his curls and letting it bounce back in place against his cheek. "Though I suppose in a relationship between two men, it's only logical that one must act like the woman."

Matsuda's jaw dropped, forming an affronted 'O' at Near's retreating back, leaving Matsuda to suffer through the mocking belated onslaught of all the things he could've shot back in response.

He looked at the pornography box abandoned on the floor, kicking it once in a halfhearted attempt to push it back under the bed again, but then lost interest and gave up, falling back against the mattress and laced his fingers behind his head.

He still wasn't sure about the exact distance between men and women, but he could not deny the gaping abyss between himself and Near. One he thought may never be closed up or filled, if it dove deep into the matter that composed their identities. Perhaps they really were just two alien species unable to negotiate, but Matsuda couldn't accept that. As his optimism reared its sparkling head, he had to believe that there was some part of Near that he could reach that was tender--no matter how girly it sounded.


End file.
